


Missed Calls 2: Positive Signs

by zedille



Series: Every Other Thursday [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), How I Met Your Mother, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Buns the Anaconda, Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, Voicemails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 20:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3783361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zedille/pseuds/zedille
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are looking up for Maria Hill, newly hired Director of Operations at Stark Industries, until she takes some personal leave and everything spirals out of control in her absence. Between lawyers, Fury, people trying to sell her things, people trying to get her to hire them, and her mother, it's no wonder she's not checking her messages.</p><p>"Ms. Hill, my name is Darcy Lewis with Dickey, Fuller, and Associates, and I’m calling to discuss the last will and testament of our client, Colonel Nicholas J. Fury. As per the Colonel’s explicit request, you have inherited possession of his pet anaconda “Buns.” Please come by our New York office to pick it up at your earliest convenience — please, you have to get me out of here, they’re having us interns taking care of the stupid thing and oh my god HELP IT’S LOOSE AGAIN —"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missed Calls 2: Positive Signs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dogsbody32](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbody32/gifts).



> Six months after the prequel and a week before the next movie comes out ... voicemails, pt 2! Post TWS, minor spoilers for Agents of SHIELD season two. Sincerest thanks to [dogsbody32](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbody32/pseuds/dogsbody32), without whom this would not exist, and to everyone else who I pestered about reading this until I was satisfied it's funny.

_This is Stark Industries internal extension 946430, Director of Operations Maria Hill. I am currently unable to take your call. You may leave a message after the tone. If it's urgent, please contact your direct supervisor, or the SI public relations department. If you need immediate help, please call 9-1-1 or your local equivalent. As a reminder, Stark Industries is not an emergency response agency. Thank you for your time. Good day._

* * *

_Internal SI Extension  
_ The following is an automated message from the Stark Industries Human Resources Department about your personnel record. Please log on to confirm your date of birth, current address, Social Security Number, and your internal employee identifier. Failure to do so promptly may result in incorrect data being logged to your file, suspension of system access and benefits, or frozen salary dispensation. This has been an automated message from the SI HR Department.

[beep]

 _Internal SI Extension  
_ Maria, this is Pepper. I know you're on personal leave for the next two weeks, but I wanted to let you know how excited we all are that you're on board with us. The HR systems are starting their database integration from the old SHIELD databases, but they should be about done by the time you're back. We'll see you then, and enjoy your time in Canada!

[beep]

 _Unlisted Number (Tony Stark)  
_ Hill, I don't believe you. I can't believe you actually have voicemail. You are legitimately the only person at my company who still has  _voicemail_. How much did you have to bribe Jarvis to add this to your setup? Come on, at least get a video hookup. You're working for  _me_. I have a reputation to keep. SI is the most highly valued tech company in the world and you're on voicemail? What is this, the Stone Ages? I know for a fact there are videophones in Canada too, we sell them there—

[beep]

And you know where else we sell videophones and enterprise productivity software? Monaco. I've got a great little mountain bungalow there you could have borrowed if you wanted a break. Which, I mean, I don't blame you for wanting a vacation, I want a vacation too and I just came back from Malibu, but… Canada. Seriously, what is there in Canada to do on vacation? Are you off communing with your fellow users of voicemail? I don't know, Hill. I really don't know.

[beep]

 _Internal SI Extension  
_ The following is an automated message from the Stark Industries Human Resources Department about your personnel record. Please log on to confirm your date of birth, current address, Social Security Number, and your internal employee identifier. Failure to do so promptly may result in incorrect data being logged to your file, suspension of system access and benefits, or frozen salary dispensation. This has been an automated message from the SI HR Department.

[beep]

 _Disposable phone (Monaco)  
_ Hill, I need you to send me some supplies. I've already gone through the caches we had hidden in the European safehouses, and you can't even get this stuff on the black market. So send me a crate of Jif peanut butter, three bottles of Sriracha sauce, four boxes of Captain America Cap'n Crunch, some salt water taffy, a carton of grapefruit Jelly Belly, and a keg of Keystone beer. You can leave it all in Stark's Monaco residence, and I'll take it from there. This is critical to mission security. Fury out.

[beep]

And can you make sure all my spare toupées are sent to the stylist? Thanks. I'd ask Coulson, but you know how he is.

[beep]

 _SHIELD-616  
_ This is Agent May, reporting in. Maria, you wouldn't happen to have a spare stealth Quinjet we could have, would you? Phil is making noises about stealing one from the US military, and I can't talk him out of it. I know jets aren't cheap, but we've already been listed as terrorists, we don't need to land on any more blacklists. And thanks for the birthday care package, by the way. You just can't find a good strawberry Pocky out here.

[beep]

This is Agent May, reporting in. l just helped kidnap Colonel Talbot. Phil just shot him. He's sitting in the Bus's containment cell right now. I really don't know where this is coming from. What do we  _do_  with him now?

[beep]

This is Agent May, reporting in. We just stole a Quinjet from the US military. Please get Stark to launder some money or something to pay them off so they don't hunt us down. You know, I really should have listened to my mother when she told me to consider a career change. I don't suppose Stark is still hiring…?

[beep]

 _Internal SI Extension  
_ Ms. Hill, I'm calling from the Stark Industries Human Resources Department. You should have received some messages asking you to confirm your personal information in our system. You need to do this manually because SHIELD's database used a format that we cannot automatically reconcile when importing. I've forwarded your medical file to Dr. Banner on a provisional basis, but it's vital you check your information personally as soon as possible to make sure everything is correct. We will not be held responsible for what happens if you do not comply. I don't care if you're out of the country, it takes five minutes. Some of us have jobs to do besides trying to chase you down. We can't all go on all-expenses-paid personal time.

[beep]

 _Stark Tower Extension (Bruce Banner)  
_ Director Hill, as you know, I'm the Avengers' field medic. As such, I was sent your medical file, which I'm looking at now. I assume you've already got a personal doctor, but if not, I would be happy to give you a consult or go over your health routine. Given your condition, you should be sure to get plenty of vitamins and plenty of rest, which can be in short supply around here. Your records look pretty good, but I would appreciate it if you stopped in to see me when you got back just in case.

[beep]

 _Untraceable International Number (SHIELD-ILIAD)  
_ Maria, this is Bob Gonzales. Thanks for your call last week, it was quite helpful. I just wanted to ask about our callsign. Why are we the "real SHIELD"? I just don't think it's got that intimidating sound we were hoping for. I know the True SHIELD, the One SHIELD, the Living SHIELD, the Unifying SHIELD, the SHIELD Council, SHIELD 2.0, and Too SHIELD For You have all been taken, but isn't there something else we could use? I know we've got to keep ourselves straight somehow, but there's got to be a better method. Why does Coulson get to skip the identifier? For that matter, why does he get the Toolbox and the fancy stealth jets? You'd think Fury's playing favorites. Anyhow, please remember you're always welcome to join us if you tire of private industry. Gonzales out.

[beep]

 _Call center number  
_ Do you find yourself in need of a really good carpet stain remover? Do you often find yourself dealing with fruit, dirt, coffee, gun oil, nail polish, wine, vomit, blood, vibranium polish, or industrial waste stains? Then we have just the stuff for you! Our special patented deep steam clean and Lemon Wash are professionally designed for the modern working woman. We're running our bi-annual special discount NOW! Just call us back at 1-800-CAR-PETS to schedule an appointment today! We'll have your dirty, tired, carpets looking like new in no time! But wait, there's more! Call in the next thirty minutes and get an extra 15% off our already fabulously low rates! Special enterprise pricing may apply subject to local terms and conditions—

[beep]

 _Dickey, Fuller, and Associates  
_ Ms. Hill, my name is Darcy Lewis with Dickey, Fuller, and Associates, and I'm calling to discuss the last will and testament of our client, Colonel Nicholas J. Fury. As per the Colonel's explicit request, you have inherited possession of his pet anaconda "Buns." Please come by our New York office to pick it up at your earliest convenience — please, you have to get me out of here, they're having us interns taking care of the stupid thing and oh my god HELP IT'S LOOSE AGAIN —

[beep]

 _Avengers Line (Comm-Capt Rogers)  
_ Avengers Assembling in response to an emergency call in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, at the offices of … Dickey, Fuller, and Associates … in response to a report of, I quote, a "a giant scaley  _thing_ " on the fifth floor. We're not entirely sure how big it is yet. Widow and Iron Man are going in with me, and Hawkeye's got his bow ready. The office looks pretty bad, lots of screaming civilians, I'm just going to try and get them out of the building since we don't know what's in there. I — Bruce, no, you need to stay calm!

[beep]

 _Avengers Line (Comm-Romanoff)  
_ Widow reporting. Turns out Doctor Banner is afraid of snakes, and once he saw Buns, that was it —  _ **HULK SMASH PUNY SNAKE!**_ — and you know what happened from there. Looks like the building is a loss. The civilians are safe. Shit, I think he's trying to talk to me — Bruce, it's fine! Buns is more scared of you than you are of her —  _ **RED HAIR LADY.**_  — Yes, that's me, now just step away from that wall, will you? —  _ **WHERE HILL LADY?**_ — Agent Hill? Don't worry, she's not here —  _ **HILL LADY HAVING BABY?**_  —  _What?!_

[beep]

 _Disposable phone (Monaco)  
_ Hill, is there something you should be telling me? And I don't mean about Buns, though from the news it sounds like you've got one too. We can trade tips. And make sure my eyepatches are dry-cleaned, will you? Fury out.

[beep]

 _Unlisted New York number (Tony Stark)  
_ Hill, are you pregnant? You can't be pregnant! We just hired you, you can't go on leave now — who's going to keep things running around here if you're out on maternity leave? Since you left for Canada, the Tower has already run out of Pop-tarts and circus peanuts. I thought Barton was going to kill me when he found out. He's been lurking around the heating vents sulking and firing spitballs ever since —  _aaaagh!_ oh my god, Barton! NOT MY TOAST!

[beep]

BARTON, I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT — so who was it, Hill? Who were you sleeping with?  _Who knocked you up?_ Who do I have to kill —  _Tony Stark!_ What did I tell you about sensitivity training? Maria, I'm so sorry about this — [muffled scuffling noises]

[beep]

Maria, this is Pepper. I do apologize for Tony's behavior, but congratulations on the happy news! You must be very excited. Do let me know if there's anything we can do to make things easier for you. HR will be in touch, if they haven't already — HILL! Your SHIELD file says you were cohabitating with one Stephen LAST NAME REDACTED. Oh my god, have you been sleeping with Steve? Are you having Captain America's love child? Is that why you decided to take leave now? But why are you giving birth to Supersoldier Junior in  _Canada_? This is Captain U S of America we're talking about, not Captain North America —

[beep]

 _Unlisted New York number (Pepper Potts)  
_ Maria, this is Pepper. Again. I am so, so sorry about Tony. You know how he gets, but rest assured I will be taking appropriate steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. And I do respect your desire for your privacy and a work-life balance, but I have to say, this could have been avoided if you'd just give us your cell number. Or if you'd check your voicemail once in a while, I know they do have reception in Canada. Which I hope you're enjoying, and we're all looking forward to seeing you again next week!

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Bruce Banner)  
_ _**HILL LADY NOT HERE. THIS HULK, NOT BRUCE. HULK SORRY. BRUCE TELL HULK ABOUT HILL LADY AND BABY. HULK HAPPY FOR HILL LADY. HULK SAVE BABY FROM PUNY SNAKE! HULK PROMISE NOT TO SMASH BABY. NEXT TIME HULK SMASH**_ **WITH** _ **BABY!** _

[beep]

_**HULK NOT MEAN THAT HULK USE BABY TO SMASH. THAT BAD FOR BABY.** _

[beep]

 _Internal SI Extension  
_ Ms. Hill, I'm calling from the Stark Industries Human Resources department. I'll take the recent statement from the Hulk as confirmation of your current status. As such, please call to schedule an appointment to discuss your situation with regards to maternity leave, your insurance plan, and your 401(k). If you wish to amend your will or make custody arrangements, please contact our legal department. Unfortunately, our insurance does not extend to damages incurred by recreational smashing, Hulk-accompanied or not.

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Steve Rogers)  
_ Captain Rogers filing a wrap-up report about our recent excursion in Williamsburg. The threat — one female anaconda — was successfully neutralized with no injuries to any civilians or members of the Avengers, but unfortunately the building was destroyed. I believe insurance has declared it a total loss, and the neighboring office buildings have also suffered some significant damage when the Hulk appeared. Paperwork claims have already been initiated for your approval when you return. And, um, Dr. Banner asked me to pass along his apologies for what he said. Speaking of which, I, er —

[beep]

…

[beep]

Director Hill, ma'am. Let me start out by saying that I have only the highest respect for you, both personally and professionally. You're a very intelligent woman, an excellent tactician, and an effective manager. You manage to get actual results out of Stark, which is beyond impressive, and you're not unattractive — jeepers! Clint, you scared me — Cap, what are you doing? Are you trying to  _flirt_? Give me that… ' _For the next nine months your body is a sacred temple and your womb will be the closely guarded doors protecting the little angel who will change your lives forever._ _'_ Jesus Christ, are you talking to  _Hill_? — Look, I just thought it was a nice message!

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Clint Barton_ )  
Hill, I just had to give Captain America the Talk about the facts of life these days. I'm going to let you imagine how that went. It was … bad. We're even for Brazil now — no, you owe me. And that ridiculous pregnancy card! Apparently he bought it at the Duane Reade around the corner. Have fun dealing with the rumors now that Cap's just effectively confirmed them all. Speaking of which,  _are_  you pregnant? I can cut you in on the betting pool. I'll even give you 25% of the winnings if you give me some information, one-time offer only. You can use it to buy diapers for the kid.

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Natasha Romanoff)  
_ Natasha calling. Congratulations, though it's too bad the news had to come out the way it did. Barton and I are ready to help in whatever way possible, though on second thought you probably don't want two assassins babysitting a child and inflicting who knows what kind of mental trauma. But we're here for guard duty, if you need that. Also, Barton would like to retract his offer regarding the profits of the betting pool. We are now prepared to offer you fully half the pot —  _quiet_ , Barton — I'll take 35%, and he can have the rest. Think about it, yes?

[beep]

 _Private New York number  
_ Ms. Hill, this is Christine Everhart with  _Vanity Fair_. Do you have any comment to the rumors circulating that you are pregnant with Captain Rogers' child? Congratulations, by the way. We women in high-profile positions do have to stick together. Please call me back for a chat at your earliest convenience.

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Tony Stark)  
_ Wait, Hill, are you  _actually_  pregnant with Steve's kid? I mean, I was joking earlier, I know he's not the only man in the world named Steve, but then the media just caught him sneaking out to Duane Reade to buy you a card, so. Congratulations? I honestly didn't think the Capsicle had it in — STARK! I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I  _did not_  have sexual relations with that wom — Cap, you know, when you put it that way, you're not really helping your case.

[beep]

 _Personal landline (Canada)  
_ Maria, this is your mother. The woman who bore you and raised you all these years. I can't believe I had to find out about your pregnancy from that Christine Everhart on TV when you were just here visiting me a few days ago! Why didn't you tell me, Maria? My very first grandchild! Hopefully just the first of many more. I told you you could find a nice man if you tried hard enough, and never mind that doctor you brought home, just look at you now. Pregnant! You and Captain America! And soon to be married before you start showing, I imagine. Oh, I can hardly believe it!

[beep]

 _Personal landline (New York City)  
_ Maria, this is your cousin Robin. Your mother just called me hysterically about grandchildren and weddings. What's going on? I heard the story that you're pregnant with Captain America's love child, but I figured it was just Christine Everhart — I told you, she slept with Tony Stark, right? — since you definitely weren't pregnant when I saw you at my wedding knocking back Bloody Caesars. I still don't know how you can stand to drink the stuff, but hey, you took the rest of the Clamato off our hands so I can't complain. Anyway, I don't think your plus one was blond or buff enough to be Captain America, but I  _guess_  he could have grown out his facial hair as a disguise? You two should watch out, your mother is on the warpath. I think she thinks you had an affair, or something? Oh, and Tori and her friend Isabelle are visiting, and they say hello too.

[beep]

 _Flowers and Gardens Undertakers  
_ Ms. Hill, I'm calling from Flowers and Gardens. All of us here are just as excited for your news as you are, but have you considered that all good things must come to an end? From dust we came, and to dust we will inevitably return, unless you're faking your death like Colonel Fury, but even he knows the importance of having your affairs left to good hands. As one of our return customers, we're prepared to offer you a substantial discount! Just some food for thought as you prepare to welcome a child into this world: it's never too early to ease the passage out of it.

[beep]

 _Internal Stark Tower Number (Thor)  
_ My lady Hill! I have called to salute you as you grow larger! I will ask my lady mother for blessings upon you and yours. You are mighty in battle and shall surely be mighty in childbirth in turn. I have recently discovered a libation you make with your Clamato — such savor and spice! The stuff of warriors. Is it truly made in memory of the blood of your kings? When you return from your journey to the lands of the north, we will raise a horn together in your honor!

[beep]

My lady Hill! Our friend Bruce has just informed me that women of Midgard may not partake of alcohol, nor of coffee, when they are with child. You have my sincerest apologies.

[beep]

 _Dickey, Fuller, and Associates  
_ Ms. Hill, my name is Richard Dickey, of Dickey, Fuller, and Associates. I regret to inform you that we are bringing a civil suit against the entity AVENGERS LLC, which we understand you represent, for the total unnecessary destruction of our Williamsburg office. We will be suing for trespassing, property damage, and emotional injuries. Additionally, we are suing you personally for breach of contract, as you have yet to pick up our client Mr. Fury's pet anaconda despite our repeated requests that you do so. Please find a new legal firm for your defense. We'll see you in court.

[beep]

 _Private New York landline  
_ This is Wong. Tell him we found the rabbit. And to get his own cellphone and stop using yours. Magic is magic, but there's no reason the Master of the Mystic Arts shouldn't have to live in the eternal now like the rest of us. I'm sure you have better things to do than pass along messages.

[beep]

 _Canadian embassy:  
_ Ms. Hill, we at the Canadian embassy in Washington DC hope you're enjoying your visit back home, and would like to offer you congratulations on your pregnancy. If the child is born in the US, we will be happy to assist with any paperwork required, though really we advise that the birth take place in Canada just to avoid the entire mess of US citizenship and its attendant tax obligations altogether. We are prepared to offer citizenship to the father. Perhaps we can set up a supersoldier timeshare arrangement with the Americans. Call us back if you have any questions, and have a nice day!

[beep]

 _Personal landline (New York City)  
_ Hi, I don't know if you remember me — my name is Darcy Lewis, and I've called you a few times from Dickey Fuller? The legal firm? Anyway, they uh, just fired me … I guess they weren't very happy about how I called in the Avengers and got their office destroyed. I know you're working for Stark now… I don't suppose you could talk to HR and see if there's a job for me anywhere? Please? Pretty please? Oh, and congratulations on the baby, by the way! I could babysit? I took care of Buns for long enough, I could totally do a baby. Ugh, I got fired, but at least that motherfucking snake is go — oh my GOD —

[beep]

 _Avengers Line (Comm-Capt Rogers)  
_ Captain Rogers reporting in. We received an emergency call from Williamsburg, but upon ascertaining that this was the same caller as the Dickey Fuller incident, we declined to respond and instead directed the city Animal Control to the location. Also, according to Jarvis, it's illegal to keep an anaconda as a pet in New York. You'd think Dickey Fuller would have known that before trying to foist one off on you.

[beep]

 _Call Center Number:  
_ Do you find yourself in need of a good carpet stain remover? Do you often find yourself dealing with dirt, fruit, coffee, chocolate, vomit, or excrement stains? Need something with real cleaning power that also won't harm your little darling's developing systems? Then we have just the stuff for you! Our special patented deep steam clean and Lemon Wash are professionally designed for the modern working woman. You  _can_  have your cake, eat it, and clean up the mess! We're running our bi-annual special discount NOW, so just call us back at 1-800-CAR-PETS to schedule an appointment today! We'll have your dirty, tired, carpets looking like new in no time! But wait, there's more! Call in the next thirty minutes and get an extra 15% off our already fabulously low rates!

[beep]

 _Flowers and Gardens Undertakers  
_ Ms. Hill, we at Flowers and Gardens pride ourselves on catering to our clients. We have held funerals for dead people, living people pretending to be dead, and funerals arranged by living people pretending to be dead for other people, living or dead, as well as the occasional service for a pet. However, we really do have to draw the line at faking the death of a dead man's illegal pet, no matter how fond Colonel Fury is of his anaconda. Additionally, we are not a grocery service, and as such are unable to fulfill his request that we send him six pounds of jelly beans. We have instead boxed up the anaconda and sent it to the Monaco address he left. We trust that you will approve of this action. And Ms. Hill, really, there's no reason why you should have to deal with this. We would be happy to fake your death the way we faked Mr. Fury's. Please call for a free consultation.

[beep]

 _Internal SI Extension  
_ Maria, hi. This is Pepper. I hope you've been enjoying your personal leave in Canada. It turns out there was a mixup in our HR database, and as far as I can tell, your file got swapped with someone else's? We're very sorry about all the fuss, and all the rumors in the media, but it's nothing a few lawyers can't clear up. Anyways, I just wanted to check in with you. You were supposed to come back a week ago, but we haven't heard anything from you at all. You, ah,  _are_  coming back to the US… right?

**Author's Note:**

>   * "Dickey Fuller" is actually [a statistical test](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dickey%E2%80%93Fuller_test) created by David Dickey and Wayne Fuller. Bonus points, there exists such a thing as an [Augmented Dickey-Fuller](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augmented_Dickey%E2%80%93Fuller_test). This is pretty much the only thing I got out of two semesters of statistics courses.
>   * The message on Cap's card is from [here](http://brandongaille.com/30-nice-pregnancy-congratulations-messages/) (I couldn't have made it up myself). And [unlike Bill Clinton](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewinsky_scandal#Denial_and_subsequent_admission), he actually did not have sexual relations with that woman, in any sense of the phrase.
>   * "Growing larger" is [apparently an Old Norse expression for being pregnant.](https://books.google.com/books?id=2uKpBQAAQBAJ&pg=PT79&lpg=PT79&dq=norse+expressions+pregnant&source=bl&ots=VxXv6T-_IJ&sig=o5Pc_SOj413RHPZVwJws-KEnScA&hl=en&sa=X&ei=1oIwVf6rHLGOsQSOl4D4Ag&ved=0CB8Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=growing%20larger&f=false)
>   * Thor has developed a taste for [Bloody Caesars](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caesar_%28cocktail%29), which are like Bloody Marys but made with [tomato and clam broth](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clamato).
>   * [The rabbit](http://marvel.wikia.com/Doctor_Strange_Vol_2_1).
>   * Dr. Strange's characterization (yes, Maria Hill is involved with him, in case the character and ship tags didn't let you know) was inherited from [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3737809/chapters/8286091), and established before the news of Cumberbatch's casting in the role; better results might be obtained if you swap in Jon Hamm, Tom Hardy, or Joaquin Phoenix. 
> 



End file.
